Renegade Rip

Issue date: 5/6/09 Section: Reviews

Media Credit: Julie Johnson Online editor Andrew J. Ansolabehere expresses his love for his favorite toilet papers, Charmin Ultra Soft and Quilted Northern Ultra Plush toilet papers.

Media Credit: Julie Johnson Ansolabehere shows his distaste for his least favorite toilet papers, Bright Green and Basic Red toilet papers. He found that not all toliet papers are the same; they each have their own qualities.

Frappuccinos, iPhones and "boss" rims are things that people can definitely do without. There is a point, however, where a line must be drawn. This line is at your bathroom door. Toilet paper is not, at least in this country, a luxury. It is a necessity.

The bathroom tissue section of Vons is astounding. With upwards of 20 types of rolls to choose from, it's hard to determine which is worth wiping with.

So the final choice came down to four types of paper: Charmin Ultra Soft, Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, Bright Green and Basic Red. All of these bathroom buddies vary in price, ply number and quality.

Trying to embrace the environmentalist within, this test started with Bright Green. Made completely of recycled paper, this is the choice for the hybrid Volvo-driving hipster that you know.

The price is one of the better to be found at $3.99 after discount for a six-pack, the smallest package available for this nature-friendly brand.

Comfort wasn't the main point of Bright Green bathroom tissue, apparently. Although I didn't come away bleeding, there is as much comfort to be found in this "green" paper as the jumbo rolls found in elementary schools nationwide.

There's a great chance that the other five rolls in the pack will be sitting in my cupboard as a last resort.

Thankfully, good ol' Charmin was there to come to the rescue. At $4.49 a four-pack with no Vons Club discount available, the price isn't bad, but a cheaper purchase can definitely be made.

Making my trip to the bathroom something special, these two layers of paper heaven made me think that there was no other way to go. But, oh, I was wrong.

Competition entered the field under the name of Mr. Quilted Northern. These papers, with a discounted price of $4.29 a four-pack, put a shit-eating grin on my face. Well, a shit-wiping grin, I suppose. Not being a scientist, I couldn't tell if the extra third layer "for added absorbency" really worked or not, but there was no nasty residue left behind, so let's assume that this extra paper layer did its job.

It seemed that this could have been the most satisfying article I would ever write until Basic Red came into play.

Rip photographer Gregory D. Cook thought of an old saying that fits this brand like a pair of booty shorts. It's John Wayne paper: it's rough, it's tough and it doesn't take shit off of anybody.

If you're on a budget and have no feeling in your cheeks, this $1.19 four-pack may be what you're looking for. Check the prices on sandpaper at Home Depot because you may get a better deal with the same amount of pain.

It's possible this paper may be produced solely for late-night middle school pranks.

Of course, replacing somebody's plush roll with this monstrosity may actually be a better trick than making it look like a snow day in your neighbor's yard, but I don't think anyone is that cruel.

When it comes down to it, Bright Green is the best choice if your cash flow is low. It's cheap, it helps the environment and, although "comfy" doesn't come to mind when using it, it is leaps and bounds ahead of Satan's brand, Basic Red.

If comfort is the selling point for you, go with Quilted Northern. Although both it and Charmin give the same amount of satisfaction, the paper sewn together by little old ladies on its advertisements can be bought for a slightly lower price.

After sitting on it all day, treat your backside kindly and stay away from these super low-end rolls. The price isn't worth the bowlegged walk they give you.

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